ORPHAN - Review, Gregg Cerenzio

“Deaf People Are Retarded” ORPHAN Review – By Gregg Cerenzio

Score: 0 (yes, that’s a ZERO)
Quick Review: This Movie is a TURD. Don’t watch it. Ever. Unless you want to laugh for all the wrong reasons, and throw up in your mouth frequently….

Full Review (Spoilers):
Where does one begin when reviewing a movie as horrid as ORPHAN?

JUMP – AH!!! My eggo’s are done

JUMP – AH!!! It’s dad

Zooooooooooooom…… NOTHING! Gottcha!

Rinse and repeat.

Yep, there are no actual scares in this movie. Just one Jump-Scare Fakeout after another, following by zooming camera’s from a bogus perspective, of noone. That’s right. They creep up behind a character, play scary music, then.. Just change angles and move along. Lamest excuse for film making I’ve ever seen. JUMP! Ahhh!!! Oh, it’s just my poptarts…
Let’s start with my title. Yep, I know, you’re offended. But don’t be. I’m just telling you what Orphan apparently wants you to believe.

Orphan, a movie about a *5,7,10,33,54,12,2,newborn,unborn,deceased,95,102,3, year old little girl….. who is adopted by 2 parents, who for reasons unknown, are obsessive over having a 3rd child. They already have a boy AND a girl. Perfect, right? Wrong. She had a miscarriage, and now HAS to have another child or the world will come to an end. Can she try again? Can she? No, seriously? Can she try again? Who knows…. I don’t. She apparently has to adopt… and she has to do it from the scariest Nun-Lady I’ve ever seen. I mean really. Have you EVER seen someone look worse in a nun getup? No, you haven’t…

So… They find the creepiest girl in the orphanage, and decide she’s PERFECT and adopt her….

The movie is SO bad, I’m just gonna eventually start skipping ahead and bulleting things to save the time I would waste typing things for you to waste time reading…
Here goes:
Esther (I don’t give a **** how to spell her name, but I got it right, didn’t I…) is the new girl. She’s supposedly 10 or something. But… there’s something wrong with her. She’s creepy, she uses the work F*** (imagine that), and does other assorted creepy things, like walk into her parents having (the most pathetic) sex. OMG!! I could never imagine a child doing any of those things. Pardon me while I quiver in fear…
Then, things get worse. Nun-Lady shows up, and starts to tell them there might be something wrong with Esther. This is great. I mean really. You guys just figured this out now? How convenient….. it turns out, that after the NUN, did some RESEARCH, it turns out the fire Esther parents dies in, was ARSON and maybe it was ESTHER!!!!!!!! WHOA!!!!!!!!! Thank the good lord for NUNS to connect these dots and partake in these investigations! Ya know, I’m no expert. But I thought a revelation like this would result in a visit from the PO-LICE, not the NUN-LICE. But hey, this is ORPHAN, a world where grown adults fear a 50 pound 10,5,23,33, oh whatever…. year old and children are Dumb. Really Dumb. Unless there Esther, but she’s not… of forget it…

Moving along…..
Esther, who is about 30 pounds soaking wet, while carrying 3 10lb sacks of potatoes, starts to go on her rampage. She proceeds to convince Max, who is a Deaf (for no reason at all) 7 year old. She also happens to be Emotionless, Retarded, Dumb, Naive, Heartless, gutless, stupid, etc. All of this, I suppose, because she’s deaf?? I don’t get it… but that’s ok. Her brother Daniel is also, but that’s because he’s a BOY, and in Hollywood, boys are Pussy’s, and women kick ass and take names, preferably, with their bare hands, cause they don’t need no stinkin’ weapons. Sorry… I got off track.. where was I? Oh yea….

SO, Max, (Deaf, retarded, etc), is taken outside by Esther, who proceeds to push Max in front of Nun-Zillas (that’s her new name) car. After Zilla wrecks, Esther, crushes her skull with a hammer, then, instructs Max, to help drag her off the road into the woods. Where she proceeds to pound the piss out of her with the Hammer till death…. So, we have a total of about 60lbs, of two little girls, dragging Nun-Zilla, in the snowy ice, off the road and into the woods.
Max (Deaf, ignoramus, etc), goes along with this… showing near zero emotion.. and proceeds to not even tell anyone about it.. What?!?!? A perfectly healthy, happy, 4 year old little girl… assists MURDER, and keeps her mouth shut about it, while showing no emotion?!?! Holy S**T …… when did I die and wake up in BULLSH*T land?!??!?! I have 2 little girls. One is 4 as of this writing, and she was smarter than max at 2. BUT, she’s not Deaf, which apparently renders a person stupid, helpless, apeshit, dumbass, etc. Really, it does. Just ask the Orphan people…
What else happens?
· Kate, the mom. Has a drinking problem
· Apparently, Max, almost drown in a little pond because of it. They ram this into your face over and over and over, but never even flash back to it a single time. You NEVER see a single second of footage about this supposed accident, and it’s explained via hip-shot comments. Amazing, considering the end (shocking!!) comes down to the little pond thingy…
· Max, is deaf. This serves no purpose in the film, it’s outcome, or anything else. So, why is she deaf? I suppose it’s to explain why she would allow Esther to murder people, and not do anything or say anything about it. Because, after all, deaf people are: Dumb, morons, emotionless, heartless, careless, etc. I know, I know. I didn’t realize this either. Good thing I was educated by ORPHAN.
· Daniel, the brother. Is a WUSS. He’s afraid of Esther, and actually HIDES from her. Yes… a growing young man, is afraid of a little girl. Get your head out of your ass Hollywood! I know, wishful thinking..
· Girls: HARDCORE Guys: Pussies
· John, the Dad, see above
· More on John, the Dad. He is a total ignorant dumbass who can’t connect any dots whatsoever. Did I also mention that his acting is SO bad, the crowd was laughing at him
· Oh yea, the crows was laughing at EVERTHING! That’s how ridiculous this film is.
· SEX. Yes, there is a sex scene. They have BEND ME OVER THE COUNTER SEX, but they do it with their clothes on…. What!??!?! Are you serious?! I’ll give you 5 seconds to stop and think about what happens during this scene (Which doesn’t even have a soundtrack! It’s horrid and awkward to watch).
· Your right. ESTHER walks in on them. They act like it’s the end of the world, and in the following scene Ether uses the word F*CK. Amazing. She MUST be the devil.
· Deaf people are stupid
· 4 year olds are dumb
· Ether, breaks her own arm, and claims the mom did it. Ironically, the police and the hospital don’t do anything about this. Dyfus would be on speed-dial. (BTW, Dyfus sucks)
OK, I am growing tired of bulletins as I could go on for hours about how many stupid things are in this movie.

Ultimately… more shit goes wrong, the wife is blamed for most of it, the dad is a dumbass, who can’t act, and looks like he’s asleep or on drugs in every scene, Ether proceeds to try to kill everyone…. THEN
Oh yes! It get’s better!!!

Ether tries to kill the kid, who ends up in ICU. The Dad STILL doesn’t put this together…. And then, while at the hospital… Ether, walks to ICU, takes off the kids monitor, and suffocates him to death! (but they save him afterwards) and it all goes unnoticed!! Have you ever been in ICU with a child? I have, I dare you to try this.
So, after this, the mom smacks the shit out of Ether (which drew applause from the morbidly unhappy audience) and is sedated and taken to a hospital bed, where she’s connected to IV’s and told she had to stay there for the night. WHATS?!?!? For what? To makes sure the little needled they drugged her with didn’t puncture her heart or something? Are the IV’s administering ENSURE?
So… here we are… the DAD, alone with ESTHER and MAX (the dumb one, because she’s deaf.. really, it’s true, just accept it)…..
Esther, get’s dressed up and tried to seduce the dad, in what is easily among the top worst acted scenes of all time turned in by the Dad (Peter Sarsgaard. I’d be a bad actor too if I had Sars).
Shortly after, the mom get’s a call on her IPHONE (Because they allow cell phones at the hospital). And we learn… are you ready?

Are you sure?

No, really? Are you ready?

You truly want to hear the worst surprise ending of all time.. ever, bar none, period, perhaps never to be matches, ever again?

ESTHER, is really a 33 year old dwarf who escaped from a mental institution, get’s repeatedly adopted, seduces and kills the dads, and can’t be found (even though they know all these things).

There you have it. A 33 year old little person, that fools EVERYONE WALKING THE EARTH, that she’s 10. Hahahahahahahhahahahhahahhahhahhhahahhahahahha roflmfbo!!!!!! Yes, that’s me… rolling on the floor, laughing my f*cking brains out!! Go ahead. Steal it ROFLMFBO, just remember where you saw it first!

She’s 33.

33

THIRTY THREE

In Italian: Dirty Tree
Have you stopped crying yet so that you can see again?

Ok good.
She’s 33, but her SKIN looks like a 10 year olds?
He body development, is that of a 10 years olds?
Her broken arm… that was fixed at the hospital…… The HOSPITAL did not notice that this is not a 10 year old?!?!
The shrink that she went to…. Yea, she said F*CK, so she had to go see a shrink. Really, that’s what YOU did when your little one said that (like 21255times like mine did), right? Didn’t you?!?!? BAD MOMMY/DADDY!! Anyways, the shrink was fooled… mom, dad, orphanage, kids, doctors, everyone….

Wow… take your Girlfriend, Wife, Sister, etc… who’s in 30’s…. shrink her down in your head, and imagine her telling people she’s 10. Are you buying it? No? Good. Me neither. It’s Ludicrous, and it instantly renders the entire movie horesh*t.
(And no spellchecker. Horesh*t is NOT a typo thank you!)

Ultimately… the movie ends with Esther EASILY kicking the sh*t out of Dad, and killing him… of course, cause he’s a guy, and guys are……. Thank you…. ,While the mom comes home and kicks her ass, with her bare hands. Of course. Obviously. OH, and she drowns her in the pond, where Max had this horrible accident, that we never actually see or learn much about, and never care about.
If there’s one thing to take away from this movie, it is:

Kids are dumb
Men are useless, Dumb, week, stupid
Deaf people are all of the above.

This movie is a turd. Don’t watch it. Ever.

Thanks for reading,
-Gregg Cerenziowww.cerenzio.com